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Cycling Horror-scopes

Posted by London Bicycle Kitchen on


Cycling Horror-scopes

Ugh my god you guys, Mercury is actually in retrograde. And now that Brexit's been postponed (again) there are new terrors lurking in the wings. Here are your cycling horror-scopes to help you navigate this difficult time: 

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
An ex will try to sting their way back into your heart thanks to Mercury retrograde - fuck that shit, go pump up your tyres instead

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 
Sexy beasts need sexy bikes. Venus heightens your inner desires - go upgrade your bartape, you’ve earned it babe! 

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Half goat, half fish, all bike - book for your yearly service to prepare for a new romance as warrior Mars squares Pluto. Whatever that means

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
When the moon is in the 7th haus, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. Clean your chain. 

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Going tubeless to get rid of that fishy tube smell? Remember to pump up your tyres after every ride so they don’t fall flat. Flirt, eat, and accept flattery 😉 

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
The full moon shines a light on Uranus - it’s filthy, just like your chain - CLEAN IT

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
Uranus connects with your sun this month, so put your bullish behaviour to good use: pump up your tyres 

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
Twinning is winning! After Mercury retrograde you’ll be thirsting for a new start - get 2 fresh LBK bidons to help

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
As the new moon waxes on, you should wax off your chain with some eco-friendly dry chain wax, then sidestep any fuckboys - save yourself for THE ONE

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Your professional landscape gets hit by Uranus - invest in a bidet. Shower your butt and your bike by the end of the month to bring good luck! 

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You’re an emotional mess. When Venus aligns with Uranus, make sure your brake pads align with your rims hun

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 
Mercury retrograde dramarama throws you off balance! Escape before the new moon - plan a solo cycling holiday and don’t forget the Voile straps...

VOILE STRAPS??? 

Get one for £12, or two for £20! Discount applied automatically at checkout. 

What in tarnation is a Voile (pronounced "voh-lay") strap you ask? It's a handy dandy, tie down anything, rubber strap. Kind of like a toe strap, but better. They've become very trendy in the bikepacking/hiking/camping world thanks to their useful qualities. Remember, everything you pack needs to do at least 2 jobs, and this one can do several! 

• Slim Profile
• Won't Slip
• Holds Tight
• Super Strong
• UV Resistant
• Works in Extreme Weather
• Daisy Chain Together
• Time-Tested Design

LBK's straps are emblazoned with our logo and a play on our Fix Shit catch phrase: AFFIX SHIT (Nigel came up with that one.) You won't find these anywhere else. 

Visit the Voile Straps Instagram page for ideas...

These Voile Straps® are made of tough stretch polyurethane, with a UV-resistant additive to increase their lifespan.Their heat-treated aluminium buckle features a slim profile for packing efficiency and extra durability. Over the last 30 years they have become the ultimate alternative to duct tape, nylon straps, and bungee cords. On the job, in the outdoors, and everywhere in between: they are the definitive way to securebundle, and repair almost anything on the go.

Usable Length Range: 6.2in — 22.8in / 15.7cm — 57.8cm
Material: UV-Resistant Polyurethane
Buckle: Hardened Aluminum

Get one for £12, or two for £20! Discount applied automatically at checkout.